Today I barfed in the parking garage.

At first I thought this asshole’s friends played a joke on him by defacing his dorky Mustang. But after close inspection, I discerned that Douchey McDouche (who works in my corporate office building and looks like Vanilla Ice) used an Exacto and a ruler to ensure that BOTH sides of his shiny convertible would read ‘MUSBANG’. Sick. Who must he bang? I can only imagine very dumb pre-teens who are impressed by Bluetooth sets and hair gel. Next time I’m forced into the elevator with this lame-o, I plan to tell him I'm looking for a man who likes to bang. And when he hangs up his Blackberry and pushes the emergency stop button, I plan to rip off his nipples and sew them to his eyes.